J’raxis·Com

J’raxis·Com
 
 
2009-01-06T09:53:16Z
http://www.jraxis.com/archive/microsoft/cars

If Microsoft made Cars

  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason. You’d accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
  • You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car 95” or a “Car NT.” But then you’d have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive—but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  • The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
  • The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.
  • People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
  • We’d all have to switch to Microsoft gas and auto fluids–but the packaging would be superb.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  • If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  • They wouldn’t build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have sixteen cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and four turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
  • There would be an “Engine Pro” with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  • Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
  • Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don’t own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
  • If you still ran old versions of the car (i.e., CarDOS 6.22 or CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old-fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
  • If you couldn’t afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.
  • Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
  • You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.