J’raxis·Com
J’raxis·Com
Damned Fish. Most people have probably never heard of them. But late in October of 1997, they attempted a takeover of the entire world from within various places on the Internet—from minor regional ISPs, Usenet newsgroups, all the way up to one of the world’s biggest online providers. They are infamous within the realms of alt.stupidity, alt.config, and other Usenet newsgroups. They were many things to many people—in fact, they may have been all things to some people, and nothing to many others, but one thing is for sure—they were a damned pain in the ass to most.
The origins of the Damned Fish are unclear. They may have been involved in the SIASD conspiracy and the Unknown Number threads in alt.stupidity. The first post in which they are mentioned was an Unknown Number post from alt.stupidity. However, this mention of “damned fish” may not refer to the Damned Fish. But, it is apparent that soon after this post appeared, the Damned Fish became a very visible group of condemned piscine agitators on the Usenet front. However, one of their first attempts to take over the world was not from within Usenet, but from within one of the world’s largest and worst Internet services, America Online (AOL).
AOL was the perfect place to start an Internet-based coup d’état: It’s extremely large, the majority of its users are stupider than a rotting log, and AOL already has an extensive enough propaganda machine to dupe people into using their service, churning out free trial disks and other crap by the ton.
The actual attack on AOL occurred shortly after a freakish underwater mining accident for which the Damned Fish were entirely responsible. It is vague how this connected them to AOL, but through this, and the involvement of AOL CEO Steve Case, a plunger, and some brass tacks, they were able to subvert AOL’s executive, legal and censorship departments and gain total control of it within days.
It was thought that they would stay at AOL, but they didn’t. Now that the Damned Fish controlled AOL, their attack was refocused on one of the Internet’s older communities—Usenet. They continually resurfaced in alt.stupidity, alt.config, alt.stupid.morons, alt.paranoia, alt.non.sequitur, alt.cascade, alt.who.the.hell.is.making.all.these.stupid.newsgroups, and other major alt.* newsgroups. Once they had gained control of AOL, they attacked Usenet slowly—they knew there was no need to hurry. They were determined to become a major Pestering Force on Usenet, and become general, all-around pains in the ass.
They wrought havoc in alt.stupidity, destroying the Arrugala! cascade and filling the newsfroup up with many stupider—stupider than usual—posts each day. On some days, over two hundred posts appeared in the Arrugala! thread. They were soon cast out of the newsfroup, whereupon they latched their fins into alt.im.having.a.rotten.day. They hung around for a while stinking up the place as any condemned piscine creatures would do. Here is one particularly colorful account of their odorous behaviour in alt.im.having.a.rotten.day, by Greg Schultz, in message <01bce44e$d29392c0$9a2bcfa9@default>—
I think “rotting fish” is a much more powerful phrase than “rotten fish.” It makes you envision maggots and stench and a crawling buzzing malodorous miasma. Rotten Fish would be a good name for a ska band. I have seen the decomposed remains of the species aplodinatus gruniens and thought that the subtle contrast between pasty bloated flesh and greasy gritty bone was æsthetically pleasing. What would be a rotten day to a rotten fish? Would it be a day in which its fettor was not up to snuff? Would it be a day in which its appearance caused nausea but not emesis? How much money would it take for you to be willful flogged across the jowels with the puss-ridden corpse of a marine creature?
While the Fish were lying around this newsgroup helping to make it truly rotten, something unexpected happened that would completely change their battle plans.
In a Usenet posting, the Damned Fish were “saved” by Frater Frogalogus, Savior of All the Fish, and converted to The True Church of the Great Green Frog, via full-immersion baptism. Now these Once-Damned Fish were Saved, or “Born-Again” Frogs. After this, the Once-Damned Fish’s campaign was essentially over, but they kept trying.
In their death throes, they even tried to continue their world-takeover by attacking several small regional ISPs, including iCi, J’raxis’ ISP. But they quickly dispensed with this plan, as it only caused them more problems.
At this point, it was also discovered that several of the alt.config “rmgroup addicts,” including the amalgam of Anti-Oliver co-conspirators, were actually the Fish in disguise, and this further damaged their campaign.
Finally, Oliver1, the Mad Newgroupper himself, dealt the final blow to the Damned Fish (they had somehow transmuted themselves back from Born-Again Frogs using unknown methods) with his Secret Weapon. This weapon is still highly classified, in the event that the Damned Fish ever try to take over the world again. On 1997-11-29, the Secret Weapon was unleashed on the Damned Fish, which quickly turned them into wibbling masses of rotting fish goo.
The war was over.
The reasons for the Damned Fish to stage their attack on the world had something to do with a certain kind of rare nutrient that they require. Oliver1 retells the story, in message <34AC65F4.70DE@ici.wish.you.a.happy.new.year.net>—
See, Damned Fish need certain nutrients to replicate. And rmgroups are high in this nutrient. With the festival of rmgroups the Anti-Oliver group were sending out, those Damned Fish were naturally drawn to the scent. See, previously, the Damned Fish had managed to survive nicely nibbling on “instant messages,” chat room chatter; and, when things got rough, the occasional email message.
The Damned Fish were primarily sanctioned behind the walls of AOL. But, when AOL went to an unlimited price plan service and flooded their membership beyond what they could handle, the Damned Fish were faced with a sudden nutrient deficiency. (By rights, they should have been well fed. But, since everyone was having trouble connecting to AOL, and their network was crumbling, there was a shortage of food stuffs. So, they ventured out in vast numbers to search for nutrients on other parts of the Internet.)
It took hardly any time at all for the situation to get out of control. Those Damned Fish were everywhere. And the Anti-Oliver group just made the situation worse with their activities.